Real Hector on Mystery Morning Page 2
Then we all swallowed our gel tabs with a swig of Mystery Juice (a mixture of soda pop and vodka).
Stan and I started brainstorming on how we could make Hector mobile and talkative. I said, “My old touch screen smartphone actually has a pretty good processor and built-in speakers. Plus the viruses I've been designing are built to mimic human behaviour so they can autonomously sign up for online accounts. I even made one just to troll people in chat rooms.”
Mom said, “It also needs a speech-synthesizer and facial recognition software.”
“Easily done,” I said. “I'll just steal the code from existing software.”
“And he has to respect his family and be an atheist pagan like us.”
“I'll see what I can do.”
Stan snapped his fingers and said, “The garage door opener is moving mechanical pieces controlled by a screen on a little computerized unit. And we have remote control cars... lots of computerized motors and gears around!”
It took hours of work, lots of dismembered electronics and half of Dad's discography of high speed electronica, but we finally rigged Hector's body up as a giant puppet controlled by a smartphone-brain. His eyes were webcams encased in his styrofoam head, covered by his printed face and some sunglasses. His muscular system was a complex network of strings and wires and pulleys. The smartphone's speakers weren't very loud so we also installed a set of cheap computer speakers, taped to his belly.
In order for him to mimic Hector's personality I uploaded pictures of us and dialogue from our online conversations, plus a whole database of references. I also downloaded Wikipedia's entire current database of articles so he would have encyclopedic information about the world. Plus he had wireless internet access and invasive viral software that could hack into all kinds of stuff for any information he might want.
Mom's eyes were bugging and she was smiling and tapping her feet to some chill drum ‘n’ bass, but she said, “Those wires are dangerously exposed and unrealistic. Get him some clothes.”
So Stan got his fancy baby-blue suit with a white shirt and pink tie. I cut up a bunch of old wires and stuck them in Hector’s scalp so it looked like he had hair.
Dixie was wringing her hands with excitement. “This is the best Mystery Day ever! Turn on his brain!”
I reached behind his head, but Mom said, “Stop! We need to say a prayer first!”
Dixie rolled her eyes but Mom ignored her and said, “Dear universe. We thank you for arranging yourself in such a way that we can think and feel and experience this universe. Furthermore, we thank you for arranging it so that this family could be such a fine combination of disciplined thinkers and free spirits. We ask you to give Hector all the potential that you gave us.”
Then she looked at me. “Okay, Greg. Turn him on!”
We had him seated on my fuzzy blue couch. I reached behind his head and pressed the power button on my phone. Instantly, his hand twitched. Everybody gasped as he sat up straight and looked around. My database of knowledge must have been effective because he turned his head toward the Mystery Tree and asked, “Is it Mystery Day?” in his synthetic, computerized voice.
Everybody cheered, “Yay! It works!”
“What works?” Hector said.
Dad stood up and hugged Hector. “You're alive! I thought you would be dead forever!”
Hector laughed nervously, “Oh, Dad. You're crazy but we love you.”
Dad said, “I was talking to the Mystery tree and it said that I can never die. Do you want to never die with me, son? You understand what I'm saying, right? Because you're a robot now. I always knew you would become a robot, Hector. I'm proud of you, even if you’re a gay robot!”
Dad sobbed and Hector put his hand (leather glove) on Dad's head and said, “I'm not gay, I'm bisexual. And how many times to I have to tell you that I'm not a robot? Now let's open our Mystery Presents!”
We looked nervously at each other, wondering what he meant when he said he wasn't a robot. Did he not realize he was a robot?
But Hector stood and walked to the Mystery tree and said, “I'll hand out the presents!”
Soon we were opening presents and everybody was so happy. I got a book about living off-the-grid and an original painting by one of my favourite psychedelic artists. I also got a telescope from Hector and I said, “Thanks, Hector!”
Hector looked at it and said, “Funny. I don't remember buying that. Oh well!”
We were having so much fun we didn't even hesitate to let Hector open his presents, which were originally intended for Real Hector (we were saving them for the next time we saw him). He was delighted by what we had bought him. Dad's present to Hector was a ball of yarn, and when Hector opened it, Dad said, “It's a nightmare box! Don't touch it, just remember it so you'll always be aware of danger!”
“It's awesome, Dad,” Hector patronized. Then he held the wrapping paper and tossed the nightmare box (ball of yarn) at Dixie. Dixie shrieked and batted it away.
“You touched the nightmare box!” Hector said, laughing.
Everyone laughed at Hector's tomfoolery and then we decided to play charades. Hector's antics during the game were goofy and hilarious. Then we sat down to eat turkey, but Hector said, “I'm not hungry. You go ahead.”
Mom's phone rang halfway through the meal. She answered. “Hello! Hector! Merry Mystery Day!”
She said, “Everybody, it's Real Hector!” Then she put it on speaker phone.
Over the phone, Real Hector said, “Guys, you didn't even call me for Mystery Morning! Did you all sleep in? Or were you too depressed without me? Ha ha ha!”
Then we all looked at each other with amusement. I said, “I forgot that you weren't here! We were having so much fun with Hector that he totally filled in for you.”
Real Hector said, “Um... what?”
Dixie got really excited and clapped her hands. “Let's take a picture and show him the other Hector!”
That's when Hector (Robot Hector) walked into the room and asked, “Are you guys talking to me?”
“Who's that?” Real Hector asked.
Stan grinned like a maniac. “We should go on Skype to show him! Hector, we made a robot that looks like you! He opened your presents! He beat me at chess!”
Robot Hector was looking around. “Guys, you're freaking me out. What the hell is going on?”
“You're freaking me out too,” Real Hector said. “What the hell is going on?”
Robot Hector shook his styrofoam head and asked, “Who are you talking to? He sounds like me.”
I had already been coming down from the ecstasy and was feeling groggy and uncomfortable, but now a weird kind of metaphysical and psychological fear was creeping into my mind as I looked at the contraption we had created.
Dixie was obviously still high and happy because she said, “Yeah, Real Hector, we made an awesome robot and he’s so much fun! I'll actually miss him after we have to take him apart. Maybe we'll put him back together for next year's Mystery Day! We can have a whole robot family!”
“Robot?” Hector asked, shaking his head. “Take me apart? No...” He sat down in a chair and looked at his leather-glove hands. He took off a glove and saw the toy-claw hand beneath it. Slowly, silently, he put the glove back on. Everybody was completely quiet.
Real Hector said, “Should I call back? I think you guys might have overdone it with the drugs this time. Laszlo's family isn't into that stuff so we just had vodka.” More uncomfortable silence followed and Real Hector said, “Yeah. I'll call back.”
He hung up and then Robot Hector stood and said, “I know what I have to do. I love you guys. I totally respect my family and I'm not going to compete with... compete with... Real Hector. Your real brother. Your real son.”
He went to the door and put on Stan's boots and Dad's winter jacket. Pulling a warm hat on over his wire-hair, he opened the door and
said, “I'm going to kill Real Hector!” Then he slammed the door and went out to Mom's car.
We looked at each other and I could see so many feelings in the eyes of my family: curiosity, guilt, fear, and confusion. “Should we stop him?” I asked.
Mom said, “Well it's not like they're going to let him on a plane. He's not a real person.”
“He's pretty smart,” I said. “And we can't just let him run around with homicidal thoughts. Plus he has access to the internet through my data connection. I still have a SIM card in that phone.”
We hesitated a bit more because the whole thing was weird, and since it started as a joke it didn't seem to warrant a serious response. But Stan said, “Dammit, if there's even a slight chance that he can find the Real Hector and kill him, then we need to find Robot Hector and dismantle him!”
When we went outside Mom's car was missing. Apparently Hector knew how to drive. So we piled into my car and drove away. Stan said, “I have your phone's location on my map app on my phone. It says Hector's on his way to the airport!”
We got to the airport and went looking for Hector. To our surprise we saw him just as he was boarding a plane!
Mom's jaw dropped and Dixie stomped her foot. “How the hell did he board a plane?”
But Mom knew the answer right away and she snapped her fingers. “He took your father's coat... with your father's wallet and I.D. card!”
“They look so similar!” Dixie said. “Hector probably pretended to be Dad!”
Dad mumbled, “Does that mean I'm a robot?” He tried